NOT A WANNA BE, BUT A GONNA BE

JUST CHECKING IN!

2011-12-12T05:22:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been quite a while since I have been on here! Life has kept me busy, thankfully.

Here is what has been happening:

I started nursing school again. In fact, the semester will be over soon and I will be enjoying a wonderful break! It hasn't been too bad so far except that I have learned that I suffer from anxiety the night before tests. So far it hasn't kept me from passing but it would be great if I could get a grip on things before I get in trouble.

I'm still working. I work in L and D as a nurse aide. For the most part, it is an easy job. Working with all women can get brutal at times, but if you learn to tune out the whining and bitching, it becomes quite do-able. I have learned alot working in this area.

Well, thats all I can do for now. I will try to come up with a more exciting, elaborate update for next time.

Peace Out!

Another Start

2011-07-24T16:12:00.003-04:00

Here we go again. In just 6 more weeks, I will be in nursing school...again. This time I anticipate things to be much easier for a variety of reasons. My husband has been very supportive of me and has been working hard to get things ready for "the day".

I feel different this time. Can't quite put my finger on it, but I just feel different. Maybe it is because I don't have the hormones running through my brain like I did last time. Or maybe it's because I feel much more confident this time. I feel like I have an upper edge or something. Who knows. I just know that I am going to rock this school thing and become a nurse. Not just a nurse, but a great nurse.

Anywho....that is what I have been up to lately. Stay tuned to see what happens next :)

Been a while

2011-06-10T20:40:00.003-04:00

Life has been different.

I decided to go ahead and try going back to school. I had to jump through some pretty harsh hoops, but I am back in the nursing program starting in the fall. Hopefully no more surprises or shocks, and no more let downs. I think I am ready to move forward and not look back.

My heart is still broken at times. Everyday, thoughts of my unborn son pops into my head. My heart is still wrapped tightly around him and will probably always be. I visit his grave still, just not as often as I used to. I was worried for a while that I was becoming obsessed with his grave site. Now I just stop in and check on him once a month, sometimes twice a month. But I think about him every day. I don't think I will ever miss a day of thinking about him. When I see babies at the age he would be, I feel the loss a little more. I catch myself wondering what his smile would look like, his laughter would sound like and how he would smell. Would he look more like me or his daddy? Yea, life has been different.

On another note, I am now working at a birthing center. I love my job. I worried that being around all of the babies would bother me, but it doesn't. In fact, I find comfort in it. When I need a baby fix, I can just go visit the nursery. But for the most part, my job is perfect. I work with some pretty awesome nurses and doctors. They have all been pretty supportive of me. Yea, I love my job.

Anyways, that is what has been up with me. Nothing exciting, nothing even really worth writing home about.

Doing Ok

2010-11-20T17:26:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to check in and let ya'll know that I am ok. Here is a quick update. It has been 8 months since the loss of our son. I think about him daily, and if somehow by chance I didn't think about him on one day, I think about him twice the next. I have come to terms with it. I miscarried again in July, didn't even know I was pregnant. I had a LAVH done in Sept. and found out why my babies couldn't thrive in my womb. Tumors are an evil thing. Thankfully nothing was cancerous, I have my ovaries and life does go on, just with a lot more to think about. I am supposed to be starting nursing clinicals back up in Jan. I wasn't planning on following through, but I would never forgive myself if I didn't.

I have changed though, I can feel it. I don't feel as warm and fuzzy as I used to. I have put on quite a bit of weight with getting pregnant, then having my hysterectomy. Now I have something else to focus on. For a minute anyways.

I'm not as tolerant as I used to be. I get mad. Very mad. Not abusively mad, I haven't hit or kicked my husband but I do scream at him. I get so pissed about stupid things and he just patiently waits for me to stop ranting. He is a good man, so patient and understanding.

At work I am more withdrawn. I'm not as close to my coworkers as I used to be. I still love my patients and love my job, I just don't laugh with any of my co workers like I used to. I think they see my changes also. I don't think they like the new me. Neither do I.

So that is what is up with me. I know, you are going to say I need therapy or something. You are going to tell me to find a support group. yadda yadda yadda. Been there, heard that.

Heaven Got Another Angel - Original Song

2010-04-30T08:56:00.002-04:00

This is for my angel baby.

I Have Lost It

2010-04-20T12:10:00.003-04:00

I feel like I have lost a huge part of me. I have lost all motivation. I hate going to bed because I know that I have to wake up in the morning. I can't seem to make it through the day without crying. I don't care about work anymore, I don't care about school anymore. I don't care about anything. Even when the sun is shining on my face, I find it hard to care. I feel either blank or pain. I feel alone in all of this and fear that I am losing my mind. I stay away from people because if they had to be around me, they would choose to stay away from me. I go to work, do my job and come home and cry.

I hate this. I want me back. I want to wake up in the morning and feel like I have a purpose again. Not this, I don't want this anymore. I don't want this. Anymore.

Angry

2010-04-03T08:29:00.004-04:00

There are just not many words that I can come up with describe how I feel right now. In my last post, I told you about becoming pregnant while starting nursing school. I ended up having to drop nursing school for the welfare of my unborn child. I was struggling. I couldn't concentrate, I was so stressed. I had to drop, or else.

I wanted to protect this life inside of me. I was willing to give up whatever I needed to in order to keep this child safe. Nothing worked. My son was born 5 months early. He is now an angel up in the Heavens. I am angry. I am hurt, angry, sad, angry and angry. There are just no more words.

Once Upon A Time

2010-01-31T16:06:00.003-05:00

There was a woman that was super excited about starting nursing clinicals. Her children were all grown up and didn't depend on her much any more, which would make school so much easier on her. She started clinicals but for some reason had no energy and felt sick all of the time. Everytime she tried to read an assigned chapter, she would either fall asleep or vomit, or vomit then fall asleep. One day she got the bright idea to take a pregnancy test, (actually it was her husbands bright idea) and she failed the test.

I'm freaking pregnant.

It's Here! It's Finally Here!

2009-12-30T07:37:00.003-05:00

Finally! I am starting nursing school! It seems like I have been waiting forever for this time to come. I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be. I have concerns about working and going to ns, but not nervous.

Now to get physically prepared for school. I paid for my classes and my books but I still have to buy my uniforms yet. I am afraid to buy the uniforms yet because my weight is so unpredictable. I did buy my stethoscope. It's pink! The coolest thing is buying a stethoscope in one of my favorite colors helped support the fight against breast cancer, so I got two good deals in one! How cool is that? My husband bought me a super cool nursing bag. I love it! All I have left to get (excluding uniforms) is a pair of white shoes. I do already have a pair for work, but I need a separate pair for school.

So things are going pretty good so far. I am planning on working while I am going to school. I love my job and just can't give it up. But I am cutting way back on hours so as to not lose out on study time. I think it will all work out okay. I'll try to post more and offer updates, that is, if I still have any readers out there! Any advice for school is warmly welcomed!

The Time Has Finally Come!!

2009-10-18T08:58:00.002-04:00

That's right, I will finally be starting clinicals in January! I went to an orientation type of meeting last week and they said I was all set and ready to go, go go!!! Seems like I have been waiting forever. Now I'm scared. Now I'm questioning whether or not I can do this. I have heard many horror stories about various instructors, how they want to weed people out so badly that it doesn't take much to the one dismissed from the program. I've heard how the program can be the end all of marriages and how friends are lost......gulp.

I have to be ready for this. I have worked too hard and waited too long to start this program. I have just over 2 months to mentally prepare myself for this. I'm stubborn, smart and strong, I can do this.

Breathe..................................................................

Let's Talk About Evil Nurses

2009-07-13T19:07:00.006-04:00

I know it has been a long time since I have posted, but I would like to talk about an evil nurse.

To start, I work in a large hospital. The other night I worked in the ED as a float aide. I was transferring a patient from the ED to the cardiac floor. She was in her 90's, confused and in a lot of pain. The nurse that I was handing the patient off to apparently doesn't like her job or she wouldn't be such a biotch. The patient was trying to explain to the evil nurse why she was apprehensive about transferring from the ED gurney to the bed. See, she broke her hip, twice. Both times from falling. The evil nurse wouldn't listen, the more the patient tried to explain, the nastier the nurse got. Finally the nurse told her "keep complaining, see what kind of care it will get you". HOLY SHIT BATMAN! I was MAD. I wanted to say many, MANY things to this evil beast that shouldn't be caring for fragile people in their time of need. Saying something to the evil nurse would have just made matters worse for the patient, as well as for myself being that I am very new to this hospital. So I had to clench my jaw (as well as my fists) and walk away. But one day, there will come a time when nasty nurses like the aformentioned will get theirs. Once I am better established and have my feet firmly planted, the nasty evil nurses will have to deal with me, and it wont be pleasant. I will not tolerate patient abuse, in any form.

Oh, and by the way, I am back!

Quick Update

2009-05-06T07:59:00.002-04:00

Well hello! Are you looking for me? Sorry I haven't been around, man, life has been crazy! Here is what has been going on.

1. Semester is finally over! I have nothing left until clinicals. Feels good to be almost there!

2. I got another job. I am still working at my old one, for now. I am trying to decide if I should keep them both or just my new one. Decisions, decisions.

3. It's almost time for baby. He is due to get here any minute now! Hello! I am going to be a grandma ANYTIME NOW! Me.....a grandma! How do you become a grandma? Is there a class for that? Does it require a degree?? *sigh....*

4. I am still not smoking. BUT, yes, there is a downfall to that. I have eating issues now. I have put on 15 lbs since I stopped smoking. I know, I know, I can lose weight but I can't replace my lungs...yada yada yada...but it doesn't take the suckiness out of gaining weight. Everytime I think about dieting, I take a huge dose of chocolate.....sigh....

So that is what has been up with me. Doesn't sound like much, I know, but I have been busy, busy, busy. I'll try to post more regular updates. Now that school is temporarily done, I *should* have more time.

Wow, It's Been A While!

2009-03-27T08:47:00.002-04:00

Sorry about that. Life has been uber busy. I am mid-way through my nutrition class (boring), been working and getting ready for grandbaby.

There have been a lot of changes at work. The boss got fired (WoOt!) No kidding, they gave her until the end of the day to clear her office. Um, I think things weren't working out or something. In fact, a lot of people got the boot, and I wasn't one of them, thank God. Did I mention that we were purchased by a larger company? Oh, my bad, forgot to mention that. The take over began at the first of the year and let me tell you, they cleaned house. I like the new company. I like knowing that as long as I keep them happy, I will be able to move to almost any state and still have a job with them. They will also pay for my clinicals, if I were to work for them full time. I am contemplating it. We will have to see what happens.

I love my new boss. She is the bomb! She listens to us, she also cares deeply about the same things I do. I think she is a keeper! She does have a few bad points, but who doesn't, and well, her good points weigh out the bad. Like I said, she is a keeper.

So anyways, that is what I have been up to for anyone that was wondering.

Dear Boss,

2009-01-20T15:09:00.001-05:00

Dear Boss,

When you hired me, you hired me to provide top notch patient care. I do that. I love that. I love every aspect of my job. There is nothing more fulfilling to me than taking care of those in their last days. With that said, I challenge you to interfere with my patient care. Patient care is ALL that I am about.

Here are some things for you to consider:

1. My patients come before laundry, cleaning toilets and any other house keeping chores, period. DO NOT expect me to drop the hand of a dying patient and walk away to wash or fold a load of laundry. That laundry can wait, my patient wont.

2. Don't expect me to stop feeding a helpless patient just because they are taking a bit longer and the trays haven't been returned in sufficient time. I will return the trays at MY PATIENTS CONVENIENCE, not that of the kitchens. The only reason that we have a kitchen staff is because we have patients and the patients come FIRST.

3. Do not threaten to write me up for not taking my breaks on time. I will not leave the side of a fall risk patient until I am satisfied that they are safe. I will take my breaks at MY PATIENTS convenience. Thank you very much.

4. Don't preach to me about patient safety when I have come to you several times about alarms not working and you have done nothing to ensure that they get fixed. And don't ask me why the patient is lying on the floor with half of the alarm still attached and why it never went off. I told you why, fix the problem. I am within inches of inviting a state safety investigation.

When I hired in, you were impressed by my will to advocate for my patients. You expect me to keep up my end of the bargain and I expect for you to keep up with yours.

Thank you,
The Patients Advocate

Life Is Good

2008-12-27T20:17:00.003-05:00

That's right. One semester left before the nursing program. Woot! Yea, life is good. I think back to all of the struggling with *some* of the pre-reqs and am so glad it is over. I will be forever scarred from the brick walls that I have banged my head on, the tests that I almost failed, the instructors that gave me more gray hairs and the screw ups from the financial aid department.

Yea baby....I am a survivor!

I'm not as worried about nursing school, well, not today anyways. Maybe tomorrow I will worry, but today, life is good.

I found out that my grandchild is a boy. Double Woot! He will be here in 19 ish short weeks. I have been online shopping for baby boy stuff. Ahhh, life is good.

I am still loving my job. I work as often as they will let me, which lately has been a lot. I am so blessed to have gotten such a good first CNA job. My patients love me (of course, what's not to love?), my coworkers tolerate me (heh heh heh) and I look pretty darn good in my scrubs! Life. Is. Good.

So the new semester starts in a few weeks, giving me some, er, recovery time. I am taking Health and Nutrition. How hard can it be? I mean, really. I am so ready to do this and get er done.

Yea, life is good.

Semesters Almost Over!

2008-12-11T07:42:00.004-05:00

Thank GOD school is almost done for the semester! This semester has had me laughing, crying and beating my fists on the floor in a fit of rage! It has been a very, very tiring semester. Every year I go through this. The semester starts and I am so gung go, excited and in tune with my nerdy side. Half way through, I am feeling the pain. The temper tantrums start to rear their ugly heads and I start feeling overwhelmed. By the end of each semester, I am a basket case!

The devil on my left shoulder tells me to quit. She says that I have bit off more than I can chew. I should just apply for a career flipping burgers or become a Walmart door greeter. The angel on my right shoulder tells me to keep on keeping on. That I am doing so well and I am almost there. She tells me to get off the floor and stop throwing my three year olds temper tantrum, wipe the tears away and be proud of myself. After all, I get mostly 3.5's and 4.0's. I usually listen to the angel on my right shoulder.

I have one more grueling semester left, with just one more class. I think it will be a piece of cake. I THINK! We will see.

Off to study for my last exams for the semester.

I Needed This Laugh

2008-11-18T08:29:00.001-05:00

I found this video on bits and pieces. It is too funny!

Mental Exhaustion?

2008-11-16T16:53:00.004-05:00

Today has been an icky cruddy day. I think I am just exhausted, mentally and physically. I worked third shift last night and have only had about 3 hours of sleep since I got home. I feel so restless and my heart feels twisted. Nothing really all that significant happened to make me feel like this. I just.....do. I was cleaning one of my critter cages and just felt the need to cry, before I realized what was happening, the tears were rolling.

I keep having memories of my past popping up today too. All the way from childhood to last year. Holiday blues maybe? I don't need this today. I don't. I have a test to study for and I need to get some sleep, I can't do any of that with memories flooding my already exhausted brain.

It's almost been a year to the day since my mother in law passed away. We had such a love hate relationship. She lived with us for about 8 or 9 years up until a week before she passed away. She died while we were talking on the phone. Her AAA ruptured and the phone went silent. I was mad at her. I thought she hung up on me. We were close in such a weird sort of way. She loved to cause me trouble and tried to come between hubby and I. But we still had a strange sort of closeness. I always felt comfortable talking to her, when we were getting along. We would laugh about the stupidest things and fight about even more stupid things. I miss her. I do. I don't miss our problems, but I miss her. I find myself wondering at times what she would think about me doing so well in college, becoming a CNA, becoming a grandma. I miss her, the damn old bat.

My daughter is going through a very rough time. She is 19 weeks pregnant and her boyfriend, the baby daddy is being such a jerk. He dumps her when he gets paid and comes back when the money is gone. She sits on the couch all day and just stares at the tv. I feel so helpless. There is nothing I can do to help her except listen to her and hold her when she cries. He doesn't even talk about the baby, when she does, he changes the subject. I would like to grab him by his wobbly bits and wrap them around his neck, and extend them to his anus and shove them up there as high as they will go. He is a jerk and he is hurting my baby.

Yes, I am blue today. I am feeling overly sensitive and I don't like it. I am not on my period, I don't have those. I am not suffering from depression, sort of, I am just feeling depressed. Maybe I should just go in the bedroom, stick my face in my pillow and just cry. Get it all out. Maybe.

No, No, No, No!!!! OK I Guess....

2008-11-05T15:19:00.003-05:00

Work: CrazyRN2be, can you third tonight?

CrazyRN2be: Well, no, I have an exam the next day.

Work: Oh, ok. We are just running short and can't find anyone to work

Crazy RN2be: Oh, alright. I can just study on my breaks (yea right).

EXAM SCORE: Missed 10 out of 40

Why can't I just say NO!!!!!

Mr. Perfect

2008-10-18T20:36:00.003-04:00

You know how you see those men that are so perfect? They never forget your flowers for sweetest day or the candy for valentines day, your birthday is always celebrated with a romantic card, pretty flowers and/or a dinner at your favorite restaurant, as well as your anniversary. He always surprises you with sweet love notes, a foot rub or something to make every woman on the block and then some jealous of you. Well, let me tell you about my husband. He isn't that man. I feel so gyped sometimes.

Yea, I'm feeling a bit down.

EDITED TO ADD:

I heard it said somewhere...Men, can't live with them and it's illegal to hunt them. I like that.

Regarding my last post about school

2008-09-29T14:57:00.002-04:00

Ok, I scored a 103% on my pharmacolgy test and a 78% on my biology. The 103% was getting all correct and the extra credit question. I almost peed my pants when I found out! And well the biology, I wish I would have done better, but hey, I passed and I can live with that. Maybe next test I will do better. So, as it stands, I am surviving. Thanks to those who posted so many positive words.

ATTENTION PLEASE:

2008-09-29T14:53:00.004-04:00

Now that I have your undivided attention, I am going to be a grandma. Disappearing John, I know how you felt when you learned that you were going to be a grandparent.

Anyways, in 6 months, there will be a little bundle of joy in our family. GULP!!

WARNING: WHINING AHEAD!!! School is eating me alive!

2008-09-17T16:38:00.004-04:00

Figuratively. This has to be one of the hardest semesters for me so far. I am taking A & P II, Pharm and Multicultural Health. A & P and Pharm are keeping me from enjoying multicultural health and I am starting to sweat bullets. My biology instructor *thinks* we should know EVERYTHING about every little cell. I have an exam on Monday that consists of 50 questions over blood and the lymphatic system. We have over 200 questions to study for it. Pharm isn't as bad, but the two together are kicking my butt. In addition to A & P lecture, we also have lab. One should coincide with the other...right? Nope. Lab covers the histology aspects of it. Grrr....

If I fail ANY classes this semester, I get booted from the program. I don't know if I can stay afloat. I don't know if I can do it. I doubt myself more now than ever. How do you fit ALL of that stuff in your head? AND KEEP IT THERE!!! How am I going to survive clinicals when I am having such a hard time with two freaking classes? I can't seem to get a good attitude toward these classes.

Ok, whining over, back to the books. Back to those INSUFFERABLE books!

GEES PEOPLE! FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY!!!

2008-09-01T11:47:00.002-04:00

I was just blog-hopping and came across something very disturbing over at ER STORIES. People are wrenching on this doc about his blog A Nice Way of Saying. The comments he received are just appalling. So from what I gathered from the comments is that if you are a medical professional, you are NOT entitled to an opinion. Oh please, spare me the crap! I saw nothing wrong with his blog. People seem to have forgotten what EMERGENCY ROOM, EMERGENCY CARE and EMERGENCY DOCTOR really is. What is with people now a days? To me, emergency is a matter of life or death....am I not right? Oh waaah waaah, I have a disease and you offended me for blogging about drug seekers...Holy crap batman! Drug problems are not emergencies UNLESS you have overdosed or the drugs you take are actually killing you at that moment. If you are concerned about your drug habit, GO TO A REHAB CENTER! There are at least two or three in every city! Don't reduce our doctors to becoming suppliers to YOUR bad choices.

Chronic pain IS NOT AN EMERGENCY! Unless, the pain is literally going to kill you at that very moment. It is NOT life and death. You ran out of pain pills? Well, YOU are responsible for keeping YOUR scripts current. Your doc wont supply you with more? Hmmm, see above...GO TO A REHAB CENTER. Your doc(s) MUST not have found a ligitament reason for your pain so chances are it is all in your head. But stop clogging our emergency rooms when there are people out there with real emergencies.

To the doc at ER Stories, don't let those posts get you down. You sound like a wonderful, caring doc and I love reading your blog!

20 out of 10

2008-08-25T21:04:00.000-04:00

Turn about is fair play!!!!!!!!!!

My Feet Hurt!

2008-08-22T16:22:00.004-04:00

That's right, my feet hurt because I have been kicking so much a$$! Not really, but I have been working like a dog and enjoying it...that is...until my feet start to hurt! My feet don't generally hurt AT work, but Lord have mercy when I get home and kick the shoes off, these puppies throb. Today when I got home, I took my socks and shoes off (not necessarily in that order) and noticed that my toes were flat and wrinkled! I had flat spots on my little toes! All ten of them. I thought I was wearing good shoes (nurse mate clogs) but apparently, I need to go shoe shopping...again. I only have a cajillion pairs of shoes taking up space in my closet and half of that cajillion I can't wear. Why - oh - why is finding the perfect pair of shoes for my pitiful feet so hard? Sigh..yes, I am whining.

Any ideas on how I can help my poor abused feetsies?

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-08-08T08:19:00.003-04:00

Today I am 25.....again! What am I going to do on my special day? Glad you asked! I am going to bed! I worked third last night and am going in again tonight. Yep, I am going to have some sweet birthday dreams.

The Countdown Begins

2008-08-06T08:52:00.003-04:00

It's almost that time again. What time you ask? Time for school to start! I'm getting anxious, pumped up and ready for things to happen. This semester I am taking pharm, multicultural health and a&p II. After these classes it is just a waiting game. I'm thinking that I won't be starting the program until next fall. For some reason, my nursing advisor doesn't want me to start the program in the winter, she wants me to start the program in the fall. I guess after this semester, I will have to just work, work, work. I am thinking about taking a phlebotomy class just to prepare. We will see though.

Things have been pretty crazy around here. I have been working spotty hours. One day working third shift, then working second the next. I'm not used to it yet. You'd think I would be! I don't mind it though. The only part I could do without is the aching body for the next two to three days. Also, I got new (used) car. I am NOT happy about it but I have to keep those feelings to myself. It helped out one of our kids and my hubby, so for that I can deal with it. But I miss my truck. I loved my truck, but now, I am a car girl....ew. The car is cute, it really is. It's red, a convertable, perfect body and interior....but it's not my truck.

I got my daughter signed up for college. She decided to go for cosmotology and take a few business courses. Can we say cha-ching? Yes, this college for the family can get mighty expensive. I guess that means more work for me. But it's worth spending hard earned money on an education..or two.

Been MIA!!

2008-07-17T07:47:00.002-04:00

Sorry I have been mia. I am adjusting to working the various shifts and it is kicking my butt! I still love my job, I patiently wait for them to call me in and am so tickled when they do. I decided that I prefer 3rd shift over all. My body perhaps doesn't care for it, but it is less stressful overall for my mind. The nurses are great, they do patient care right along with me and seem so appreciative of me. I like that. I like working WITH them versus being told what to do BY them. My place is a pretty awesome place to work.

Hopefully soon I will be back to abnormal and will be able to post more.

Now I'm getting grumpy!

2008-06-25T20:36:00.002-04:00

Some of my very favorite bloggers are going private and I can't read their blogs anymore! Hell yes I am pouting! Mouse Thinks and N is for Nurse have went private, Forging Iron Man has changed up as well. I feel like the kid that just missed the ice cream truck! You guys!!! LET ME IN!!!! Drats!

Gas

2008-06-17T20:23:00.000-04:00

Gotta love it!

Prune Juice is THE DEVIL!!

2008-06-16T20:53:00.003-04:00

There! I said it!

At work Monday, I was passing out breakfast trays. One of my patients had prune juice on her tray. My preceptor was baffled and asked why did they send her prune juice with her tray? I looked on her menu and yep, it called for the devils juice.

I thought I was going to get ahead by doing her am care after breakfast, as she takes a little more time than my other patients. After breakfast, I got her am care almost done, removed her brief to do peri care and it happened. THE GRAND POOP EXPLOSION!!! Poop everywhere! The more I cleaned her, the more she pooped. AAAACCCCCKKKK!!!!! I finally sat her on the commode and told her to have at it and we will finish cleaning her up when she was done.

I know it wasn't her fault. Someone ordered that damn juice and they should have been the ones cleaning her up! It took me well over an hour to do her am care! Mind you, am care is only washing the face, back, arm pits and peri care. OVER AN HOUR! After the fact, I had to shove five gallons of vicks up my nose just to get rid of the poop smell! What is it with the smell staying in your nose? ICK ICK ICK!!!! I know she felt bad and I felt bad for her. I didn't say anything negative to her during that process as that would have been too unfair.

I think I am going to boycott prune juice!

Seven Songs That I Jam To

2008-06-14T20:29:00.003-04:00

NUMED!!!!! (paybacks!!) I got tagged! Numed says to list 7 songs that I like or 7 songs I have been listening to this week. (are you sure you want to know what I have been listening to???)

1. Whats Up by Four Non Blondes

2. Shake That A$$ For Me by Eminem

3. Crazy Bitch by Buck Cherry

4. Slow Ride by Foghat

5. What It's Like by Everlast

6. Mary Janes Last Dance by Tom Petty

7. Get Numed....a little song I wrote myself.....if you would like to see the lyrics, let me know!

There, I did it! Now I have to tag 7 people. Hmmm... who can I annoy? Epi, Medic61, Disappearing John, Overactive Imagination, Rotten Correspondent , Nurse My Ass and Crzegrl.

Here are the rules as per our friend Numed.

The rules as best I can tell are:
1. Write your memoir using only six words.
2. List seven songs you’re listening to this week.

I Rate It A 10

2008-06-06T16:58:00.004-04:00

My heart is broken for many reasons. I usually try to show you the positive side of me, but right now, the pain is too there to not show.

Reason 1: My son moved today. He is barely a teenager and wanted to move with his dad. I would be more ok with it if he was only moving a few streets away, but no, he is moving states away, many, many states away. He is my baby. My youngest. He is gone. It hurts.

Reason 2: Room 88 passed away. I know. It is part of my job. That is what I have to deal with, but it doesn't make it any easier. He was a special guy, now an angel. I should take comfort in that.

Reason 3: Call me crazy buuuut, my little girl graduated high school last night. I am proud of her, buuuut, she isn't a baby anymore. She is growing up and it hit me last night in the middle of her ceremony.

Reason 4: Two of my ferrets passed away within just two days of each other. Again, I know it is part of my job, but it sucks.

Reason 5: I love my job, I swear I do. Buuuuut, my preceptor is making it a living hell. She isn't a very good preceptor and I am stuck with her. She doesn't want to teach me, she pisses me off.

Is there a doctor in the house? I need something for my pain.

Thank You Room 88

2008-05-30T15:56:00.003-04:00

I walked into room number 88 and saw you laying there. No twinkle in your eyes, no expression on your face, just a body lying in wait for a journey to a less painful place. Something about you tugged hard at my heart.

I walked up to your bed, put my hand under yours, giving you the option to pull away or feel my loving touch. You chose my touch, you squeezed my hand and turned your eyes to me. I said, "hello room 88, my name is crazyrn2be, I am the CNA that is going to care for you today." I smiled a warm smile for you and you accepted it by weakly squeezing my hand. I washed your face, cleaned your body and re-positioned you hopeful that you would find some comfort. All the while, I spoke to you about my kids, my dog and my schooling. I didn't think you were listening to me as your eyes remained closed and your face expressionless. Until...I asked you: "room 88, are you ready for your breakfast?" You opened your eyes and spoke to me, for the first time I heard you speak, it was only a whisper, but it was beautiful music to my ears. You said "thank you and yes". You haven't spoken to anyone for the past two weeks, yet you chose to speak to me. I felt so touched that you spoke to me.

After I fed you your breakfast and chatted your ears off, (you ate 75% that morning instead of your usual 20%!!) I gently washed your face and hands and you raised your weak, shaking hand up to my face, caressed it and smiled at me. I felt tears stinging my eyes. Your smile was as beautiful as your voice! The RN in charge came into the room just as you smiled at me and she remarked that I was the first person you smiled at in weeks! I am honored. I am honored that I made you comfortable and you appreciated my tender care.

Thank you room 88.

My New Job - I'm In LOVE!

2008-05-21T13:28:00.004-04:00

Yes, crazy me is in love with my new job. I am learning so much and am enjoying every minute of it. I think about work all of the time and wish I was there on my days off. I know, it will get old after a while but until it does, I am going to continue to love....crave.....and enjoy it.

Let me tell you about my first day. On my first day, within 5 minutes of being at work, one of the residents passed away. I felt honored to be at her bedside while she began her new journey. I felt honored to clean her up while she awaited her final visit with her family. I felt more happy for her passing than sad, as she apparently suffered for too long from her disease. The rest of the day was spent meeting the residents. I fell in love with two in particular and enjoyed caring for ALL of them. One of my new loves is a 90 - something little old lady. Just as sweet as candy and cute as can be. It will be a sad day when this slice of sweet pie leaves us for Heaven. She greets her helpers everyday with kisses, hugs and a big, big smile. God planted an angel in the hearts of all of us. My other new love is a late 50 ish lady that has a wonderful sense of humor. She is sharp as a tack, however her disease rendered her bedbound. She seems to have a beautiful soul and as is ready to take whatever comes her way. I look forward to her care all shift as it is a pleasure to talk with her. There were others that I met on my first day that has tugged at my heart strings. I am so blessed to have the skill to care for these patients. I see something very special in all of them and am very thankful for being able to see them.

I am learning alot about myself with this new job. I have worked on the floor for about 2 weeks now, of course with a preceptor, but I feel that I have learned more in these two weeks about my heart than I have learned in my whole life time. I knew I could physically do this job, but I had no idea how much it would affect me emotionally, in a good way. I was worried about depression, but I don't think I will be hit with that because I do *understand*.

I believe that we are all born with a *job* to do, we all have a calling. I think hospice is my calling. I'm in love.

Scrub Shopping

2008-05-09T22:19:00.002-04:00

Well, today I went to Life Uniforms and bought some awesome scrubs for my new job. I could have spent about 10 future paychecks, if not more in that store! Knowing that I have to start out slow, I used as much self control as I could muster and only bought 3 pairs of scrubs. The scrubs in the picture is my favorite set. Yes, I bought that exact set. Isn't the color cool? My game plan was to buy all solid scrubs, no prints. I have said over and over that the prints just don't look professional and I am going to look professional! I lied. I bought two print scrub tops! But they aren't the silly prints, nope, very cheerful and very pretty. If you haven't shopped there yet, and they have online shopping (I am just lucky enough to live 3 miles away from the store!) then you simply must go there, GO THERE NOW! You won't be disappointed!

Hey, guess what....I got a job!

2008-05-05T21:08:00.003-04:00

Yes I did! My first job as a CNA! WoooooFreakingHoooo! I am so geeked. I applied at our local hospice and they called me today and welcomed me on board. I can't wait to start work.

It dawned on me earlier, I have no idea what my pay will be! I don't really care, I want the experience. This is an important part of my journey. Wow, I''m employed!

Guess What I Did?????

2008-04-18T19:19:00.002-04:00

I took my state competency test today and am now an official Certified Nurse Assistant!

Yaaaayyy!!! Go me!

A Date With A Doctor

2008-04-15T13:37:00.003-04:00

I was over at Doctors Girlfriend's blog reading some pretty interesting stuff. Hey, she is a very intelligent lady, not only is she smart, but seems to have a great sense of humor as well. Anyways, my daughter was reading it along with me and told me that one day, she hopes to marry a doctor. Boy, I had to work on her on this one. I asked her why she had her sights set on a doc and she said that she wanted to be spoiled, pampered and wanted to be "rich". Oh Lord have mercy, I had a ball with that one! Now, she is 17, almost the big ONE EIGHT and is planning to go to college for dental hygiene in the fall. Anyways, I had a few things to say that caused her to roll her eyes (don't you hate that??). I explained to her that she didn't need a doctor, lawyer or any other man in any other field to spoil her, pamper her or make her "rich". Now a days, women are smart and strong enough to give themselves what they want out of life. Besides, I tell her, only a man worth giving your heart to is a man worth keeping. Then came the dreaded question......"Well mom, grandma said that you dated a doctor but dumped him. Why didn't you stay with him? We could have been living in a nice house and we could have had anything we wanted." Grrr.... Here is what I told her. Pay attention so I wont have to explain this again! When she was a baby, I went to the doctor because I had a wart under my fingernail. Yes, it hurt like hell!! The office that I went to was a place where new interns and those finishing out their residency worked. The doctor assigned to me that day was a young, good looking blonde with some nice blue eyes. We went through the whole questionare....Have you ever had this problem in the past? What home treatments if any have you already tried? Are you married? HUH? Ok, I played along. Sometimes we just don't understand WHY doctors ask the questions that they do but usually there is a good reason. So anyways, he clipped back my nail and put some chemical on the exposed part of the wart. Then told me I would have to come back in every other day for treatment until it was gone. No biggie, I'm a stay at home mom, I can do this. That night my phone rang. It was Dr. C. He was calling to check on my finger. HUH? I have never had a Dr. call me personally to check on something so small and petty as that! So I humored him, "yeah Dr. C. besides it aching and throbbing, it is doing ok. I promise that my finger did not fall off." After a bit of small talk, he reminded me to come back in for another treatment....OKIE DOKIE!

I went back in for the next treatment and he asked me some more questions that seemed totally unrelated to my finger, but whatever, I still hadn't caught on. That night my phone rang again, it was Dr. C. This time, he asked about my finger, but then started making even bigger small talk. Before we hung up, he asked me out on a date. I thought "what the hell" and accepted. Now this wasn't a date date, not like a dinner and movie, but a public date, like an out doors festival date. A safe date.

So, we go out on our date, he grabbed my hand a few times, but I wasn't comfortable holding hands with him. So I kept finding reasons to pull my hand away. The date went ok. I really didn't enjoy being out with him. A few hours after he dropped me off at my house (trailor, I was a single wide trailor dweller!) he called. We talked for about an hour or so, he told me about some of his cases that came into the ER (I was fascinated with his job, just not him). This went on for about a week. He would call me and tell me about his medical cases, then he asked me to go to some formal dinner with him, it had something to do with finishing another year of residency if I recall. I politely declined, explaining to him that I could not afford a formal or semi formal dress and that I just didn't feel comfortable sharing something like that with him as we don't know each other very well. A few days later, a very pretty, very expensive dress showed up at my door. Who delivered it I will never know (it was left on my doorstep of my trailor....teeheehee) I was FURIOUS! How dare he take it upon himself to BUY me a freaking dress?? I was beside myself. That night he called me and asked me if I liked my dress. I tried so hard to not YELL at him, but icily told him that I could not accept the dress and would drop it off at the clinic the next day. Which I did. That evening he called me and acted totally stunned at me dropping off that dress! After our squabble about the dress, he asked what I was doing that night. I told him that my daughter was ill and I planned on just staying home and snuggling with her. He asked if it was ok for him to come over and I said NO. I want to spend time with my child. At about 9pm, there was a knock on my door. Yep, it was the doc! When I opened the door, before I could even say anything, he walked in, put his wallet on MY COUNTER TOP, walked over to MY RECLINER and plopped his ass down. Ah hell no. I told him that I didn't want him there, in fact, I told him that I no longer wished to talked to him again. I followed up with telling him that he was pushy and had no right barging into my house (trailor), putting his wallet on MY COUNTER Top and sitting in MY CHAIR! He left, I called my parents and told them what I did and well, mom didn't talk to me for about a week! HA!

Now, I have NOTHING against doctors. This one just rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know what his plans were, but I was not his cinderella nor was I going to be his Pretty Woman. He may be a nice guy, but I thought that he had the wrong idea of what I was like. Just because he was a doctor and I was a single mom struggling to make it, I wasn't going to bow down and kiss his feet. I don't ever regret my decision to dump him, even if my parents thought I was stupid. Like I told my daughter, it does no good to have the moon and stars if you don't love the one you are sharing it with. For me, it is all about love, not the fat paycheck. I would rather be poor trailor trash and be loved than end up with someone because of their title and bank roll. She says I am weird, I say I am honest with myself and not materialistic. Maybe if he would have been the "one" that could take over my heart things would have been different, but I wasn't about to settle with his title. Still to this day, my parents tell me how stupid I was for dumping him, but I am proud to say that it was one of the smartest decisions that I have ever made.

This is too funny!!

2008-04-12T21:02:00.002-04:00

20 Random Things About Me

2008-04-12T20:37:00.006-04:00

1. I LOVE camouflage, whether it's green, brown or pink. Love...love...love it!

2. I have two biological kids, three step-kids and four step grandkids.

3. I was a straight E student in high school. (I hated school! But love it now)

4. I dated a doctor 16 years ago. (worse dating experience of my life! He was a dork!)

5. Before deciding on starting the ADN program, I wanted to be a medical examiner (too much school, I would be finishing at just about retirement age!!)

6. I have had over 450 ferrets in my home in a 4 year period.

7. I am a pizza-a-holic. I would eat pizza for dinner everyday if I could get away with it.

8. I am an excellent cook. I like to show off my scrumptious dishes.

9. I love to fish and hunt. There is no better meat than wild game!

10. I hate Steven Segal. (pig)

11. I am very diverse with music. I listen to such a variety that sometimes it freaks people out.

12. I am a red head. (I have the temper to go with it!)

13. When I grow up, I want a big ole farm house, on some good hunting land with quad trails.

14. My hubby and I used to own a construction company. I used to help build houses, remodel and roof....LOOOOOOVE roofing!

15. I like watching babies being born. I think I was destined to be an ob nurse.

16. I am very simple, not materialistic.

17. I like shooting big guns. I also like turning MRE heaters into bombs (that is so tight!)

18. I hate auto racing!! Yuck, yuck YUCK!!!

19. I can fit in with any class of people. Some of my best friends are lawyers or red necks.

20. I love learning new things. My brain has to always be working!

I know, I am relatively a boring person. I didn't realize how boring until I did this!!

Hey Crzegrl!!

2008-04-05T16:24:00.004-04:00

Here is the gun I got to play with in Indiana. My husband is an ex army ranger and we were at the ranger reunion. It was a blast to play with thier toys! I don't know what I liked best, the 50 cal. or the exploding targets.

A Looooooong Wait Ahead

2008-03-24T19:22:00.004-04:00

I went to the school today to sign up for spring classes and found out that I *most likely* won't be starting the nursing program until NEXT FALL! WTH??? All the hype about them *cleaning house* and us not having to wait as long and I find out this? How discouraging. I don't want to wait that long! I am ready NOW! I want to start NOW! Fall 2009. What kind of crap is that? If there is such a *nursing shortage* then WHY do they make those of us who are READY wait so cotton picking long?

I'm mad. No, I'm pissed as hell. I'm ready now dammit! Now I am stuck in limbo. I have pretty darn good grades, all of my pre reqs are done, and now I have to wait, for almost 2 FREAKING years. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Chicken Anyone?

2008-03-21T18:53:00.001-04:00

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

Change of shift is up!

2008-03-20T14:37:00.005-04:00

Go check it out! And thanks again Kim for mentioning rn2be.com!

I Have A Confession To Make

2008-03-16T15:49:00.004-04:00

I am a blog stalker. I stalk my favorite blogs. I read them in the morning when I get up, at night before I go to bed and sometimes in between. Sometimes I try to hide so crzegirl, erstories and all the others can't see me. Oh the shame! So if you are reading my blog and I am able to find out who you are, I am going to stalk your blog too. If you blog about interesting happenings at work, I am going to stalk your blog. Maybe I should change my name to the "blog stalker". I need help, maybe I should stalk a few psych blogs...heh heh heh

Really, in all reality, I am bored out of my mind! I am in limbo right now waiting to start my nursing program, waiting to get called on a few applications I have filled out for a CNA position. I am just plum bored out of my mind and reading blogs passes time very quickly. I know that once I am working and/or in the nursing program I will look back and wish I had "time" again, but right now, it is driving me insane! I'm almost to the point where I am going to volunteer at the hospital or something to keep me busy. It stinks to be idle!!!

I try to bide my time helping to get the new message board for nursing students up and running, (rn2be) but there aren't many members on there yet. So if you are a nursing student, pop over to rn2be and join. It will help to keep me busy and do less stalking!!

Wish me luck!

2008-03-14T08:45:00.003-04:00

I am going to put an application in to a SNF today for my first job as a CNA. I am terrified and excited at the same time! I found out that I have about a year before starting my nursing program so I figured I might as well do something with myself. Wish me luck!

Nursing Students

2008-03-07T16:37:00.002-05:00

Head on over and check out the new message board created especially for nursing students! It's a brand new board created by a nursing student for nursing students! I would love to see this board up and running as it can really be a benefit for students. It's called rn2be.com.

Just for the record, I didn't create this board but I certainly plan to use it!

Survived My Last Clinical

2008-02-29T10:51:00.003-05:00

Well it went well. Funny, total change from last week. I wonder why. The CNA's were cordial to us, even the RN treated us well and with smiles. I just don't get it. I'm confused. I know that we are all entitled to a bad day, but it seems like last week, the whole wing was having a bad day. Is that possible? Does a bad day entitle them to neglect residents? I do still feel that whatever the reason for the attitudes of the staff, some residents were neglected. I don't like neglect. To me, it is another word for abuse and laziness. I just don't know what to think.

I was lucky, I got assigned to my favorite resident again. She is such a sweet gal. I told her I would try really hard to come for a visit soon, now I need to make sure I do. I would like to pick her up a special blanket before I go back out there. She may not remember who gave her the blanket or why, but I bet she will feel the specialness when she wraps herself up in it.

I am glad that these clinicals are finished. My final exam in that class is on Monday, we fill out our paperwork for the state exam on Wed. then I am finished. Totally. I'm going to try to take the state test as soon as I can, but am not sure why. I don't know if I am going to use it. I haven't decided what I am going to do with myself while waiting for the nursing program. I had planned to work as a CNA to gain experience but almost every hospital wants 6 months experience in a LTC. I don't want to work in a LTC facility. I am jaded by my clinicals. I want to stay away from those places.

What to do, what to do.

DONT MAKE ME GO!!!

2008-02-27T15:55:00.004-05:00

Ugh, I have clinicals tomorrow! Thankfully tomorrow is my last day. After the way last Thursday went, I am filled with dread, just total dread. I'm sure I will post an update.

Oh and I am getting a 93% in my class.....yaaayyy!

Here is my horoscope...heh heh heh

Leo
You've got a good grasp on even the most complicated emotional issues right now.

My Good Deed For The Day

2008-02-25T13:44:00.003-05:00

Today after class, I had to run to the loan company to pay off my loan (YAYYY!!!)When I was pulling out of the parking lot, I saw a cell phone laying on the ground. Now usually, I don't pick up anything off the ground, but that inner voice was telling me to stop and pick it up. I got out of my truck and grabbed it and threw it in my passenger seat not giving it another thought. When I got home and gathered my stuff to bring into the house, I remembered that I grabbed that cell phone. I brought it in, set my stuff down and turned it on, yep, still worked, was in pretty good condition. I tried to call one of the numbers that said "home" from it, but the person apparently had the cell phone shut off. They had a picture on the phone and man alive, she looked so familiar but I just couldn't place her face. When I shut the phone there was a picture of a very tiny baby that was obviously in the NICU on the front screen. My heart told me that I needed to try harder to find the owner of the phone, so I called the number from my cell. Nobody answered, I got voice mail (I hate leaving messages and rarely ever do so!) this time I left a message, letting the person know that I found their phone and how to contact me. She called me about an hour later and we agreed to meet at the corner gas station. When we met up I told her that she looked familiar and asked if we had any classes together at our community college. As it turns out, just last semester we had a class together. She didn't complete the class, as she had complications from her pregnacy and had the baby at 24 weeks, the little guy only survived for one day. The pictures on the phone were the only pictures she had of her precious baby. I am so thankful that I listened to that little inner voice today. My heart goes out to her.

Yep, my brain

2008-02-23T20:49:00.000-05:00

How funny!

Today's Clinicals - #3

2008-02-21T19:19:00.003-05:00

Today's clinicals were bad. I have never been so disgusted. My heart was broken for the residents, I was angry with the RN and the CNA's and I wasn't too happy with my school either. I hate the way they handle the clinicals. They just throw us to the wolves. We get put into a room with our residents and they just let us have at it. The only thing I knew about my resident was what was in the care plan. Well, you know, the care plan doesn't really give you alot of insight as to how to handle them. I mean, my resident was HOH, and confused (just a few of her issues). I know with HOH people that you have to speak LOUD and CLEAR. But what I didn't know was that with this specific resident, you had to literally get an inch away from her ear (the only good one) and SHOUT.......LOUD. Now, I have worked with hard of hearing folks before, but this was beyond the scope of what I have dealt with. In our CNA book, it says to speak loud and clearly. When somethings says loud and clear, do you really get that you have to shout an inch away from the ear? Or do you think that you just have to talk LOUD and CLEAR? Grrrr...
That was minor. Nowhere in the care plan did it say that if you bring a gait belt near said client that she would fall just barely short of kicking your ass! She was not a happy camper when she saw the belt. Theeeeennnnn I get told that the belt upsets her. Why not tell me, the student, that only knows what the book teaches that she gets upset over a gait belt? Do you see where I am going with this? Why can't we be told these little things before we are put into their room and forgotten? Also, why....WHY would the RN get so short and pissy with me when I tell her about a residents complaint of pain? WHY would said RN get short with me when I notice odd behaviors? Oh yea, thats right, I don't know their behavior because I was stuffed into a room without that information. WHY didn't the CNA's come to the room after my residents call light was on for AN HOUR because I needed help? I kid you not, the light was on for an hour and they never did come! Another student came to our aid. The resident was a fall risk, had poopie drawers and I couldn't turn her on my own due to the shape of her body. She was stiff and unable to help me position her. I needed to roll her over without getting feces all over the place and it was impossible by myself. The CNA's that work there didn't even bother to help and I know they saw that damn light. I was not a happy camper. They also neglected to care for the resident that shared a room with mine. That resident sat in poopie briefs for AN HOUR. She was crying that it was burning, but I couldn't help her because I was waiting for help with my half naked, feces covered resident. Finally when one of my fellow students came in, we finished up with my resident and started on the neglected one. That place SUCKED today!

You know, I lied. I don't want to be a CNA when I grow up! UGHH

Bad, bad day today.

My second day of clinicals

2008-02-15T18:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was quite the interesting day. I am really starting to change my mind about LTC's. My partner and I was assigned a little old lady resident. She was sweet as pie and cute as a button! I really enjoyed taking care of her for the day. At first I was terrified! Then I decided to grow some cahoneys and do what needed to be done. Now, I'm not saying that this is my calling, but I am saying that it wasn't nearly as bad as I mentally built it up to be. I enjoyed the learning experience.

One of the things I noticed yesterday with my clinical group was that I and my partner were the ONLY ones not openly discussing our assigned resident. The others in the group were giving details on theirs and asking about each others residents. We didn't!! GOOOO US!!! We just looked at each other and walked away. It felt good to respect their privacy, it felt good to do the honest thing.

Another thing I noticed was how ignored the residents are by the staff. I know that they don't intentionally ignore them. They seem to all be well taken care of, but it is sad that they can't just take a moment to sit down with them and enjoy some conversations. When our resident found out we were spending the day with her, she was so excited. You could tell that she was lonely. She told us about her family, her interests and most importantly that the people at her LTC facility take pretty good care of her. She sang Amazing Grace to us, joked with us and even teased us a little bit. It made me miss having a grandma. If I could choose a new grandma, she would be it. I fell in love with her.

I learned alot yesterday. I love it, I love learning. I am looking forward to learning even more on my next clinical day.

Well, I am off to finish making dinner. Have a blessed day!

The Little RN That Could

2008-02-10T14:45:00.000-05:00

That will be me someday. I will be the little RN that could. My road isn't easy. Let me tell you about it.

I am 37, almost 38 years old. As I have mentioned before, I came from a large family. Growing up, I can remember being told that I am worthless (me and the rest of the kids), that I am a retard and will never amount to shit. Dads words, not mine. I believed it, we all believed it. If you wanted to get our attention, you didn't have to call our names, just yell out "hey retard" and we were there. Sad, very sad.

I didn't do well in school. My education wasn't important to my parents, therefore, it was not important to me. Same goes for the rest of my siblings. School was a glorified day care. It was a place for us heathens to go so mom could get a break. When I needed help on a subject, back when I cared, I didn't have the luxury of asking for help from parents that cared. My mom only completed up to grade 11 when she was in school and my dads highest grade was 4th. To them, education meant nothing. And it showed with all of us kids. None of us graduated high school. None of us cared.

I tried the night school thing when I was 18, couldn't quite do it though between working a full time job and being newly with child. The morning sickness was horrid and I didn't have the energy to do both, work and go to school. I knew that I had to have a half way decent paying job lest I wanted to raise my child on welfare. Nope, no welfare for me, I dropped out of school again and decided to work.

Fast foward..... After going through a divorce, remarrying and having another child, I decided that I HAD to finish my education. This was back in 1996. My then marriage wasn't going very well, my ex husbands first priority was drinking with his friends and not paying bills. How was I to give my children anything married to a man like that? I knew that one day, we would part ways and I had to prepare to be the sole provider to my babies. I signed up for a GED prep class through our local school and started to make big plans for our future. One day after dropping my youngest off at daycare and my oldest off at school, I returned home to grab the book that I needed for the class. My GED test was only days away and I really needed to have that book. I pulled into my driveway to see my husband (now ex) loading his personal belongings into his car. I asked him what he was doing, he said he was leaving. When I asked him why, he only replied "quit school", I told him to get out. He did, leaving me a shut off on our water, electricity and an eviction notice. Nice thing to come home to eh? I held my head up, completed my classes and took my GED test. I passed very nicely by the way. After recieving my test scores in the mail and my GED, I showed it to my dad, my smile swallowed my face. He said I just wasted my time and that I need to be a responsible adult and get a job to take care of my kids. Great, thanks dad, glad to hear you are proud of me. That's ok, I knew my mom would be proud of me. So up to her work I went (she always begged us kids to stop into her work so she could "show us off"). I had that goofy smile on my face again, walked up to her and just handed her my GED. I was so proud of myself that the tears were threatening to spill out. She looked at it and said "cool" and walked away. WHAT??? COOL? What kind of shit is that? Where is my "I'm proud of you, I knew you could do it"? I left with shoulders slumped and a miserable lump in my throat.

I ended up having to move back in with my parents after the husband left. It was such a hard thing to do, but I had to think of my kids. After listening to their views on wasting time and going to college, I decided to put that thought behind me and get a job. College was just a dream gone bad for me. They were right, I had to put my kids first.

Fast forward again....I met and married my soul mate. I learned alot from him. And here I am. But not without bumps in the road. See, my parents live just across the street from us. I get IT from them all of the time. They still tell me that I will never make it. They still are not proud of me, in fact, they now refer to me as the snobby one with my head up my ass. Why? Because I am doing what I have always wanted to do and they can't stop me. They always tell me that I am wasting my time going to school, that I will never make it. In fact, just the other day, my mom told me to just stick with being a CNA because nursing school will be too hard for me. What a load of shit. They also put all of their stresses off on me with their living conditions (save for another blog). Almost daily I have to listen to how rotten my kids are, how rotten my man is, how rotten my DOG is...I kid you not. Not a day goes by where my life over here in my cozy little house isn't slammed. Why? My kids are healthy, smart and stay out of legal trouble, my husband works hard, provides for us and never raises a hand to us. I know that no life is perfect, but ours seem pretty close compared to the lives of some I have seen. So why are we always put down?

Anyways, I am doing this for ME. MY KIDS. MY HUSBAND. I am not going to make it because they pushed me along the way. I'm not going to allow them to take credit for what I have done in the end, because they have always tried to hold me back. They have never, EVER been supportive of me and they deserve no credit for my accomplishments.

In the end, I will be the little RN that could.

SNOW DAY!!!

2008-02-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

So we get the day off! Good thing is, I was supposed to have clinicals today. I wasn't too happy about having to drive in a foot of snow plus God knows what underneath. Yesterday when I was driving to class, I drove on a sheet of ice, I kid you not, all the way to school. During break, I looked out the window and saw what was coming our way. I knew we would have the day off. There was so much snow coming, all of the schools were closing early and sending the kids home and the college closed early cancelling evening classes. Bad thing is, today was clinicals. Now we have to make them up. Getting all of us to agree on a day is going to be like pulling teeth. Me, I am ever so flexible. As long as the roads are clear, I can go. My only other obligation is taking care of my critters. I decided to take a light load this semester with having so many cancer kids (ferrets).

So what have I been doing with my snow day? I have been breaking down and cleaning cages and doing ferret laundry. I only have 2 more cages left to clean and 3 loads of their bedding to wash. By the looks of things, I will have plenty of time to scrub some floors and do some much needed house work. I have been so lax for the past week on getting things done around here and well, the maid (ha ha like I have a maid) hasn't shown up to work yet. Not a fun way to spend the snow day, but a productive one. The more I do today, the less I will have to do this weekend.

I guess I am going to get back to my cages....sigh.....

And by the way.....

2008-01-31T18:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't get beat up today either!

My first clinicals

2008-01-31T15:39:00.000-05:00

ok. so I decided against a picture, but let me tell you, it has been a day!

To start, I finally got to wear my scrubs, but that wasn't the best part of it. I learned a new lesson today. I met some of the cutest little ole ladies and gents ever! I learned how much they depend on the professionals for daily living, and how horrible it must be to get old. I was assigned to feed a patient today, she couldn't talk or move, she was only able to breathe, eat and stare at me with big sad eyes. I tried to talk to her as much as I could, but I just didn't know what to say to her. I introduced every bite of food with telling her what I was feeding her, when I was offering her a drink and when I was wiping her mouth. I really wished I could read her mind. I wish I knew what her sad eyes were saying to me. I pray that if I ever get to the point where all I can do is stare, that my family takes pity on me and finds a way to humanely euthanize me.

I also helped transfer a crippled up LOL from her chair to her bed. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and hug her like crazy. It is sad. It is a real eye opener of what happens to us when we get old.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

100%!!!!

2008-01-30T12:55:00.000-05:00

First test in my CNA class was today and I scored a 100% Ooooohhhh yea! I really did do a happy dance too! I think the instructor thought I was nuts!

Just thought I would share.....

SHE DID IT!!!!!

2008-01-28T21:21:00.000-05:00

She passed her NCLEX! WAY TO GO PRISCA!!!!!!

Random Thoughts

2008-01-28T14:05:00.000-05:00

Today class was ok. We watched a few videos, and ran through some subjects that will be on our quiz on Wed. We also talked a bit about what we may or may not see on Thurs. when we go do our clinicals. Again, the instructor reinforced what I fear, combative residents. I am still recovering from a fat lip from my darling husband (purely accidental as we were wrestling around!)And I worry that I might "react" should a resident ball up on me. I am a non violent person, but I do yell when hurt, ask my hubby! So how am I going to handle it if a dementia resident decides to belt me a good one? I am praying on this. I am not an overly religous person, however, I do believe in God and the power of prayer.

On another note, I am sitting on the edge of my chair wondering what GOOD news Prisca (N is for Nurse) has to post!! She is waiting for the results of her NCLEX. I too am waiting for her results! I don't know her at all, she posted a comment on one of my blogs and just seems like a real supery dupery nice person. I read some of her blogs and well, she sounds pretty put together too!

In just a few more days I get to wear those white scrubs! I have entertained having my hubby take a picture of "my first day" and posting it, but I am not sure if I want to post my identity on here, especially if in the future, I will be posting about work or school. But then again, I want the world to see my first day! I'm such a dork, I know, but on Thursday, I will be a dork wearing her first set of scrubs! That is a milestone, I mean, come on!

I know it sounds like I am more excited about the scrubs than I am the actual job behind it, and that isn't so. Just to make that clear. If my clinicals were at a hospice or hospital, I would be so ecstatic, I wouldn't be able to sit still! I just have reservations about LTC, that's all. Not saying that LTC is a bad thing, I just fear it not being MY THING. The unknown has ALWAYS driven me mildly insane! I can't wait to be actually helping people, not that I don't help those in need now, but I mean helping them in a different way than I am able to now. Anyways, it isn't just about the clothes, it's about what the clothes represent. There, that sounds more like it!

So far, so good

2008-01-25T11:03:00.000-05:00

So, I started clinicals, sort of. Our first "clinicals" were at the school yesterday. We had to get signed off on hand washing, feeding, putting on and removing briefs, putting on and removing gloves...yada yada yada....

Talk about boring! No scrubs, just street clothes. Dangit! I want to wear my new white scrubs!! LOL

To some of you, I probably sound like a baby seems as you all have already went through all of this. But man, it is something different, something you don't do in my world.....white scrubs...woohoo! The bad thing is, I am a stain magnet. I generally don't wear light colors around the house because if it stains, I will find it, and I will wear it! So I am anxious to see how long my scrubs will stay white.

My first on site clinicals are next week. We get to spend a day at the convalescent center. To be honest, I am not looking forward to it. Well, not entirely. I am not looking forward to a bunch of alzhiemers and dementia patients. NO DISRESPECT FOR THEM INTENDED IN ANY WAY! The stories that I have read make me afraid of them. I even went as far as getting my beautiful red hair cut off so they wont grab it and rip it out of my head! Plus, I was afraid that my hair would get into feces or vomit, even with a pony tail. Cleaning it up won't be a problem, wearing it will.

I don't mind the elderly. Really I don't. I just can't see myself getting abused by them on a daily basis. And when I say abused, I mean bit, hit, grabbed, kicked...etc. I was raised in an abusive home and any type of violence terrifies me. I hope that I am reading too much into things and it wont be as bad as I fear.

I also am not looking forward to dealing with cranky - look down at your nose because your shit don't stink nurses. I am not generalizing either, so please don't get offended by my statement. I mean the ones that are truley like that. I have also heard and read horror stories about how crappy CNA's get treated by some nurses. I don't like to be treated like crap. I like to be treated with respect, just as I treat others with respect. Even if I don't like them.

I have been looking out there at what is on the market for CNA jobs and most, if not all, are for LTC, nursing homes etc. I have only found one hospice that hires CNA's and well, my mom works there and it wouldn't do anything for our relationship if we worked together. I was hoping to get into a hospital setting, as I should be starting my ADN program next winter. I decided to go the CNA route for now so I can gain much needed experience so that when I start the program, everything wont come as such a shock or be all new. But when I go to my area hospitals web sites, they have no offers of employment for CNA's. That just sucks because now I don't think I will get the experience that I was hoping for.

When I first decided to go to school for RN, I wanted to work in the NICU unit. I thought that I wanted to start there. Now, I really, really REALLY want to try for OB. I have always been fascinated with child birth and would so love to be a part of it. I read blogs from ob nurses and get all excited and am so interested in their jobs. I also like emergency, but I don't know that I could handle something so fast paced. Our er's here are ALWAYS full. I live in a high crime area and a largely populated area. It would be so interesting to work in the er and to help those that are in immediate need, but alas, I just don't know that I would have it in me.

I dated an EMT some years ago and would listen to his stories with such interest and try to imagine what took place in the er. I would try to imagine how I would assist the patients, but could never really get a good picture, of course, from my lack of knowledge.

I just don't know where I will fit in. But right now, I do know that I will be just a CNA, working with alzhiemers and dementia patients until I start the ADN program. Sigh....

Am I being shallow? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? I imagined, as a CNA, being needed in so many other areas of medical care. I feel trapped between disappointment and excitement.

Anyways, I got my new mattress today. Everyone thinks we are stupid for "blowing" $2000 on a good mattress and box spring set. I swear if I hear "I can't believe that you guys BLEW that much money on a bed..." I am going to scream! I need comfort dammit! I need to go to bed at night knowing that when I wake up in the morning, I am going to be rested. As it stood before, both the hubby and I woke up at all hours of the night, then upon getting out of bed in the morning, our bodies ached from the $300 mattress we bought 4 years ago. I am currently trying to resist the temptation of taking a nap in my new $2000 cloud!!!!

I guess I have bored you enough for now, heck, I don't even know if anyone EVEN reads my ramblings. If so, give me some love! Give me some assurance that I am going to be okay as a CNA, that I am going to find it rewarding and that it will help me once I start my program.

First Day Back To School!

2008-01-14T12:11:00.001-05:00

Today was my first day back and my first day of CNA lecture. I was so excited to get back to school that I got up at 5am and was roaring and ready to go! It doesn't seem like it is going to be too rough of a semester, from what I have seen so far in the books and on the video that comes with the book, I am a natural! I could be wrong, we shall see.

I was bummed to learn that I will only have 4 clinicals outside of the school, I was hoping that we would get alot of hands on practice. But then, our program is only 7.5 weeks long. We are going to be doing "stuff" in the lab, which is also our lecture room, so I'm sure they will be interesting.

Anyways, I am off to eat my frozen pizza! YUM, PIZZA! Stay tuned for the rest of the story!

My eventful day

2008-01-08T16:46:00.000-05:00

Today I had to go in for my physical for the CNA course and I had to get my vaccinations. I had a bit of a problem with the physical part of it when the doctor informed me that my physical also included a pelvic. I refused. Sorry, but my private parts are none of their business, and I feel like they are just being too freaking nosey! There were also questions about my siblings that I feel are too prying. What is going on with my brothers and sisters have no bearing on me or my education. It just put me in one heck of a pissy mood.

I ended up with the first of my series of three hep. shots. On the other arm, I got a tetnus shot...OWIE!! My arm is sore from that one! Needles don't bother me, so it was really no big deal, but I am experiencing some soreness that I could really live without.

I start my classes next week. I am so excited. I really can't wait until the day when I can look back and say I DID IT! Because I will do it, and I will do it well.

On another note, my hubby and I are shopping around for a new mattress. Ours is only 5 years old, but it has become so uncomfortable. I can't wait to see what a good night sleep feels like, it has been sooooooo long!

Something I forgot to mention about me

2008-01-03T11:56:00.000-05:00

I HEART PIZZA!

I really should be in school! I am bored with being at home. Can you tell??

LOL

The countdown begins

2008-01-03T07:38:00.000-05:00

Or maybe it continues! Just 12 more days until I begin the CNA course. Yep, I am getting antsy! I caved, I opened my books last night, I just couldn't wait until the first day of class! I also put the cd into my computer, you know, the cd that comes with the book, yep, I couldn't contain myself. I am hungry. I neeeeed to know this stuff! I watched the cd (very educational) and answered the questions...got most of them right....woohoo! I started to dance (go gonna be, its your birthday.....) Ok well it isn't my birthday, but it felt like it, sort of, getting the gift of newfound information.

Funny thing is, most of this stuff is common sense. I can't imagine having any struggles in this course. The first semester of the RN program (from what I have heard) is basically CNA training. If that is so, then I think the first semester will be a breeze! I just can't wait! I wanna play NOW! But nope, here I sit, in my jammies, at the table at 7:44 am, at home, dreaming. sigh...

I wanted to practice some of the stuff on my husband that I watched on the cd last night, but he pissed me off, so the only thing I would have dreamed about practicing on him was RESTRAINTS! It could have been an um...cough...educational experience for us both, but nope, he suffers from butt-head-a-citis so I decided to just visualize. Ah well, alls well that ends well, maybe next time I get the urge to practice proceedures (I soooo like that word) he will be a good boy worthy of a pat on the head.

Well, I am off to start my day.

Being Non-Judgemental

2007-12-31T08:07:00.001-05:00

I was reading a post on my favorite nursing site (allnurses.com) and came across a post that made me think. The poster asked how to remain non-judgemental about a patient that has caused their health issue by their life-style. You know, in my opinion, we all make bad choices. I am a smoker, I am at risk for lung and throat cancer, COPD, heart problems and so on. I hate that I smoke, I hate that I am putting myself at risk for these nasty health problems, but I just can't or rather won't quit smoking. I like to smoke. It keeps me busy. I hate the way it smells, I hate what it does, but when I even think of quitting, I smoke more. But it doesn't change me. It doesn't make me a bad person or give another the right to judge me. People put themselves at risk everyday. When you get into a car, you put yourself at risk of being involved in an MVA, when you eat out, you put yourself at risk for food poisoning, when you work in the medical field, you put yourself at risk for all sorts of diseases and so on. So what is the big deal? Why even feel like you might have to judge. When I read about people judging the homeless, I want to chime in and tell them, that could be YOU someday. I am willing to bet you that none of the people living on the streets actually CHOOSE to sleep under newspapers, in cardboard boxes and eat out of dumpsters. Shit happens and it obviously happened to them. LIFE is a risk in itself, so why judge others? Just help them. They are strong enough and brave enough to ask for help, so instead of thinking with your mind, think with your heart and help.

Tooting my own horn

2007-12-28T09:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am going to toot my own horn in this blog.

As stated in my profile, I am a late bloomer. I am in my late 30's, though I lie about my age. That's right, I lie. I am not ready to be "older". I am very proud of my accomplishments. I am proud of who I am becoming and of who I will become. I come from a large family of ten (including my parents). I am a high school drop out, as is the rest of my family. None of my family (out of 10 of us) has completed high school. Along the way, some of my family have went back to school (adult ed) and got diploma's, I chose to get my GED 12 1/2 years ago. I was proud of myself for doing so. So proud in fact, I signed up for college, then my husband left me and was torn between getting on welfare and going to college or working to support my two children. I chose to work as I am just too proud to beg. I was raised on welfare, I hated it. I met and married my soul mate a few years later and worked with him (we owned our own construction company) so I was still able to be here for my children instead of letting them be raised by day care. My girlfriend kept the pressure on about going to college and me becoming a professional. (Thank you Kim). She would not let up, would tell me stories about her schooling, giving me hope (she is my age). I really thought I was too old to go back. I thought I was unable to learn. Boy was I wrong. She finally twisted my arm just hard enough for me to relent. I signed up for classes at our local community college. My husband told me constantly that I would make an excellent nurse. He saw how I nurtured the ferrets, the kids, and everyone else that came along that needed to be taken care of. He kept pushing. I gave in. Am I ever glad I did. I realized in the past few years of being in college that I am smart. I am learnable and I damn sure am going to be a nurse. I'm not just going to be a nurse, but a damn good one. I love what I have learned. I love using my knowledge.

One of the things that keeps me patting myself on the back is knowing that at least one of us 8 kids are going to make it. I am going to be the one. I am going to set an example for the rest of my siblings, and maybe even my parents. Whether or not they chose to learn from my success is up to them. But I will show them that even though we were poverty stricken growing up, YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

There, I said it. I spoke the words that have been on my tongue for months. I am not concieted, not in the least. I don't and will never think I am better than anyone else, whether I have one degree or ten, however, I will always feel as though I set an example, I proved something, not only to myself, but to my family. I look at myself in a different light now. I don't see myself as the dirty poverty stricken snot nosed kid on welfare anymore. I see myself as a smart, blooming professional that followed her dreams.

I hope my hand doesn't get sore from patting myself on the back, though I do deserve many pats.

I love the way it feels

2007-12-26T12:29:00.000-05:00

I just love the way it feels knowing that I will be a professional. I admire the RN's who's blogs I have read. I love the way they deal with their patients, the things they write about dealing with and still being able to remain human. I hope to follow in the footsteps of those gals one day.

I will have to admit, a few things I have read sound frightening, and I wonder if I will be able to handle some situations with the poise and grace that the authors have. Can I keep myself in check? Can I control the tears while helping one that is suffering? Even as just a CNA, will I be able to handle what is dished out to me? I am not worried about the grumpy people, I have dealt with that most of my life, really. I worry about NOT being able to help someone. I worry about making mistakes that could harm someone. No, I am not second guessing, I am just questioning myself. What won't I be able to handle? I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Preparing for the short road that leads to a longer one

2007-12-22T18:17:00.001-05:00

I am excited. I am starting an 8 week CNA program next month, which is only the short road in my journey to become an RN. I am late starting, but hey, better late than never. I will try to post often of my progress. Let me know that you are here for me. Let me know that you are here to offer support whether it is a shoulder to cry on or a pat on the back.

I can't wait, I am soooo excited!